in the search for a dream husband

I’m not going to write the article about how to look for the wonderful wife, because I have never been and won’t be in the man’s head but I think, that the following post concerning how to seek the dream husband has a lot of references to the opposite sex.

I use here the word ”husband” on purpose, because I assume that men, which seriously think about a relationship and starting a family are not afraid of obligation in the shape ofmarriage, and even enjoy it and are proud of the perspective of spending life with the chosen one, having children with her and building a stable, strong bond. I also assume that you are searching for such a partner.

It took me 30 years to seek a man I was looking for. I don’t know whether the word “seeking” is appropriate here, but everyone knows very well what I mean… For the majority of us, finding the partner with whom we will feel safe, we will be loved and fulfilled, is one of the main aims in life. Even if you try hard and think that at that particular moment you take the best decision, however, during the years of the youth we are making a lot of mistakes.

Now, within hindsight, I definitely claim that I had made a few of them, but I do not regret any of them, because my history of the “seeking” ended happily. However, during those years, and mistakes made then, I’ve learnt a lot, I got to know myself and my needs, and most important – I’ve discovered what I don’t want and how I don’t want to live.

I met my husband in the right moment of my life, when we both exactly knew what we wanted, and our aims and dreams matched perfectly. Each of us makes mistakes, because, eventually, love cannot be compelled… 🙂 However, such a moment in life comes, when we are able to analyse our own actions and to choose what is best for us.

So, I dedicate this post to all women who are still seeking their love, as well as to the ones who have already lost faith that it is possible.

in the search for a dream husband

Below you will find a few of my thoughts, analysis and advice concerning one of the most difficult choices in life.

In bookshops, shelves are bending under guides for the “searching”… Searching for a partner, you yourself, work, meaning of the life. In some of them we will find loads of information, which don’t carry anything new into our life, but some of them indeed are prepared quite reasonably. I had a chance to become acquainted with them, since through a few years I cooperated with social welfare centres in Poland, helping people in the need to find themselves and their life path.

It was an unusual experience for me, which I will value until the end of my days. I got to know so many people, so many single and sad souls, who weren’t able to help themselves, and hoped that I, like with the help of the magic rosette, will make the miracle overnight. However, these wonders indeed took place, but this is not what I want to write about today… At the beginning of many of these guides you will often find words “start changes from changing yourself“. Supposedly trivial and even possible to say that even cornball, but these words are clever and not at all so simple to introduce to our everyday life.

In order to change yourself, it is necessary to analyse what we are doing badly at first. How to make it, because when deciding on a particular step, we think that it is proper as for the given moment. However, I definitely think, that in the process of the “search” of your dream husband, changing one’s way of thinking, and consequently actions, is the most important stage on the way to success.

Half of loaf is better than none.

I was wondering with what point to start, but I will start with this one. From my already long-term observations result, that loads of women are terribly afraid of a solitude, and some are even ashamed of it. They prefer to be with any men, only not to be alone. It is probably the worst possible strategy to take.

Before I got to know my husband, and have almost crossed the magic line of 30 years old, I’d been alone for over two years. It was one of the most educational periods for me, because it was the time that I was able exactly to determine what I want and what I don’t want from life. Don’t be afraid to be alone. Concentrate on yourself, develop and realize your own internal dreams. Focusing only and exclusively on the fact that you must find the man, doesn’t lead to nothing good.

Magic 30s, nostalgic 40s.

Is it written anywhere, that we must get married before turning 30 or 40? This stigma created by the society most often puts a pressure on us and dictates, that it’s already time. The more quickly you will forget about it, the more quickly you will be happier. Better to get married and to find one’s happiness later, than to be a divorcee e.g. at the age of 33. Of course, some of you will probably be arguing with me, that it’s not so simple. Certainly it isn’t that simple, but see the next point.

When something broke back then, people fixed it, now we simply throw it away.

These words are probably speaking for themselves. Certainly, in the past there also were infidelities and people were disloyal to themselves or committed sins of youth. However, what is currently happening is alarming, and relationships are becoming less stable and are often built on the grounds of fascination, the first passion and the unilateral need. I’m bored with you, so I am changing you into the more modern model or I’m coming back to the previous one…

Maybe I am a little bit old-fashioned but I definitely prefer to be so and to be happy, than to feel constant anxiety and fear of the tomorrow. Anyway, you won’t build the stronghold on first raptures, and a marriage is an incessant work on yourselves and on your relationship.  In my opinion, however, it is the most pleasant work under the sun 🙂

A beautifully decorated plate won’t feed anyone.

I heard these words for the first time many years ago from my grandmother 🙂 It is quite a delicate point, because I can’t agree of course, that the more beautiful man, the worse “candidate” for the husband he is. However, the fact is that so many women pay particular attention to appearance. Oh, because he is so high, handsome and also his eyes…

Of course, there is nothing more pleasant than the well-groomed, fragrant and caring man  by our women’s side. However, some women often become off their head with this prettiness and turn a blind eye to a lot of features, which hurt them and don’t give the chance of building the strong, full of warmth and love relationship.

Emotions prevail.

Our female emotions are often incomprehensible even for us women, but especially for men who have one-track minds. On the premartial teachings, a very nice priest showed us a movie, which depicted a female and male brain. Certainly, many of us might have already seen it. It perfectly demonstrates, that man entering to the one drawer, before entering the second, closes the first. The woman, however, is able to have 15 opened drawers at the same time and somehow can find their feet at it… or sometimes cannot.

However, we analyse everything, mull it a hundred times and want to discuss everything. Sometimes, however, it is necessary to be able to refrain, to bite your tongue and to reconsider your line of thought. In spite of the differences that appear between us, between the woman and the man an order and a perfect balance can turn up. In the end, the man is the head of the family, and the woman is the neck which is able to “navigate” it perfectly 🙂

Compassion or need.

There is probably nothing worse than being with somebody out of pity or needs. If he fell in love, and you didn’t, it won’t work out. There is no point in going into such a relationship, thinking that he is so good for me, so perhaps love will come some day. I don’t believe in it and I haven’t seen such a case with happy ending. However, probably even worse situation is when you are with somebody, because we, ourselves, aren’t able to make a living. It always leads to a drama, deprivation of your self-confidence and sometimes depression. There is no point in “hanging yourself” on the man and to be dependent on him forever.

If you are already married and you both have decided that he is making a career, and you, during the next two or three years will stay at home bringing up children, that is a completely different part of the relation. The man feels challenged and is proud of the fact that he is working in order to keep the family. But if your current relation doesn’t look like this, you should change it as soon as possible.

Everyone is able to find suitable work for themelves, even if he/she had a several years’ career break or wants to change his/her profession. If, however, you don’t simply feel like working and you are with him just for the sake of convenience, then any of my words will attain nothing.

Female intuition.

Do you know such a proverb “to trust is good, to check even better”? Many years ago in one situation it had appeared to be very useful… My female intuition was suggesting me one thing, but according to my heart  it wasn’t true. In the end, however, I decided “to check” and since then I never again doubted my intuition. However, I solved the problem immediately, by cutting myself off from this person once and for all.

If you have any hunches that your present partner isn’t truly loyal to you, or he is departing from the truth anywise, don’t sweep up this problem under the rug. The problem won’t simply disappear, and you will never achieve 100% of the sense of security by his side. Be consistent, think about yourself and about what result will it bring for future reference.

Rock’n’ Roll and gladfulness.

Oh, the good old days! 🙂 Until now when I think about it, I have grin from ear to ear, and this probably will remain like that forever. Beautiful time, any concerns, any wrinkles, and emotions reached the limits.  However, as I’ve already mentioned above, emotions not always are the best adviser. This time simply had to end someday. It wasn’t a moment appropriate for marriage and thinking of enlarging the family. Why? See the point below …

What to look for – opposites or similarities?

Exactly. This is the problem. Opposites, even if there is something in common, these are often good relationships but just for a while. If you have a cool, clever partner in that particular moment, good relations will be kept forever. However, these are similarities that are able to build stable relations, heading towards the same safe havens and wanting each other forever.

Don’t change him at a push.

When I got married, my mum passed me very clever words which she had heard from her auntie before her own marriage with my dad 33 years ago. “Remember that you are marrying the adult, entirely mature man and don’t try to change him according to your own standrads.” This is very important and worth giving deeper thoughts. The results of my observation, are that quite a lot of women are deciding to enter the state of being married and exactly plan changes they want to implement after the marriage.

A marriage is a partnership and certain changes always take place and very often even before the marriage… E.g. my husband has changed half of his wardrobe and totally changed his hairstyle 😉 These are however small changes, and he knew very well that they make me even happier. However, if your partner likes domesticity, you won’t suddenly change him into a party animal or the other way round. If he’s a handball or ping-pong enthusiast, and he’s going to trainings every Wednesday for the past years, don’t drag him at a push for dance lessons exactly on this evening.

The relationship needs space, rather than a short leash. It doesn’t mean that you are supposed to do everything separately. Simply give each other space for your passions, interests, watching football or romances or… e.g. as it is in our case, he: tennis and she: writing a blog.

But then there are our complexes…

It is known for ages, that a man looking at himself in the mirror always sees a strong, well-built and self-satisfied man. Of course, irrespective of what the truth is 😉 A woman, however, even if she has a body as alabaster, she will always spot something worth improving. Too fat legs, or too small bosom, or too flat bottom or periorbital dark circles.

In the real relationship full of deep emotions, the most beautiful thing is the fact that we can’t see constant drawbacks in each other. Of course, I hold a view that one should care about looks so that to appeal to the partner, and more important to motivate each other for a physical activity. The relationship of course doesn’t mean that only the woman cares about her appearance and the man thinks that he doesn’t lack anything… Care about looks, is a kind of a “duty” of both sides.

Our foregoing experience.

Experience shapes us and builds our self-esteem. What, however, is more important is that this experience shows us direction for further steps. Thanks to them we can easily verify and determine what we want and what we are searching for, but first of all, what we want to avoid in the future. Even if you have negative experience and you want to forget about them as soon as possible, draw a conculsion from them and transfer it to your different, changed demeanour.

I think that it’s enough of this wisdoms 🙂 Each of them, however, mentions the change. Change of the line of thought, our demeanour, changes, which you should require from yourself.

“Love is not only an emotion, not only an affection or falling in love.
It is a maturation, a care and a mutual responsibility for each other.”

~ Jan Twardowski

This is one of my favourite quotations which accompanies me through my entire life…

These words convey so much… I’m sure, that self-development will bring dream effects and your heart will become full with real reciprocal feeling in the  right moment of your life. Remember, that love doesn’t look into metrics and appears suddenly… 🙂

in the search for a dream husband

IN THE SEARCH FOR A DREAM HUSBAND 🙂
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